I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
