apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
