Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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