what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
