what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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