Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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