Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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