Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
