I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
