Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
