Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
