hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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