Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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