my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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