pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
