Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
