I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
