Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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