I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
