i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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