Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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