if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
