i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
