i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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