you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
