i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
