trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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