I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
