Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
