Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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