my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
