my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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