I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
