he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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