Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
