Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
