Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
