Taylor Swift is so right about you.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
