I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
