i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
where are you?
Hypothermia
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
