On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
