Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
