So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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