i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
