just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
