if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
