There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
