And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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