imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
