So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
