I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
