I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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