ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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