Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
