I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
