My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Even my vagina gasped.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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