I got chris browned last night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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