We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
