Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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